Trials of Heather

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Thank you for all the kind words from everyone. Thank you Nikole for posting about it on your blog. It helped during my recovery time being able to read everyone's comments... It helped to know there are people who care out there.

My mind right now is all muddy... I am back at work today after my "procedure" and someone comes up to me and says "where is that report that you run on Monday and where were you...It seems like you are a part time employee now." Thanks I needed that support from him... I haven't told too many people at my work, other than my boss, who has been pretty supportive.

Last Friday when I went in for the D&C I was really freaked out...And when I went back with the nurses to get ready for the D&C they asked me why I was having one...Then a couple minutes later another nurse asked why, and then another...So by then I had tears streaming down my face... I was doing ok with the 1st nurse, but it just continued over and over... And then after the D&C I woke up freaked out and didn't know where I was, so more tears... I don't remember a whole lot, my hubby tells me that I would cry for a couple minutes, and then fall asleep for 5 minutes, and then repeated the cycle for almost an hour. All I remember was begging for my husband. Finally he was allowed back back by me and I felt very calm. I went home with MAJOR cramps and slept the rest of the day. Then my hubby woke me up and asked if there was anything I wanted from the store...And he went and got everything I asked for... And he was the best help through out the day, doing whatever I asked him...Even though I felt a little bad that I had to ask him.

The next day, Saturday, I woke up with cramps still and my hubby laid with me for a couple hours until I feel asleep again, and then proceeded to wash my car for me...He always washes my car for me when I am upset about something...I don't know if this is his way of dealing with things or what.

On Sunday and Monday it was much of the same, except my hubby wasn't really helping me too much anymore...Monday he gave me crap because he decided that I shouldn't be home, I should be at work, and was mad I was watching TV when he called...And was giving me crap about sleeping in until 9:00am. ... What else is there to do when you don't feel good? The dog stayed snuggled up to me the entire day and we watched TV followed by getting up to get something to drink/eat...And to let the dog out every couple hours.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I went to the doctor on Tuesday... So basically the Dr thinks I have a "molar degeneration of placental tissue" also called a Hydatidiform mole. She told me that it is a kind of tumor of tissue from placenta. They said it is treated with a D&C and methotrexate (which is a anti-cancer drug) I researched this all online last night and found out more than I probably should have and am worried/scared...It could be benign but it could be cancerous to...And I may not be able to have a baby for up to a YEAR...I haven't talked to the doctor yet about it too much...Since I was in shock when I went in, and because of this, she wrote everything down for me (or maybe she always writes things down for people, I don't know, since this was my first visit with her.) After my researching, I am pretty positive that that is what it is... I really am so sick of dealing with this crap, I just want it over with already... I started bleeding on Saturday, and thought it might be my period, she doesn't think so... I guess the whole thing is rare, but I am the lucky one. I pretty upset about this whole thing...I just want some kind of normalcy in my life again...At first I stopped talking to my husband about all of this because he doesn't get it...I told him the facts and ended it there. He was making it worse... Now that everything is scheduled for a D&C tomorrow, I had no choose. I told him... He has been very supportive of everything since I told him this morning...

I am crying of course because on one hand it is upsetting and on the other it is a relief because I have been dealing with this shit for so long.

I waited to post anything on this blog because I was scared and didn't know what I should do...They wanted me to wait at first...But I opted to just do the D&C. I am so sick of this... I am scared of this D&C.... I just have to suck it up and get through this.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Thanks for everyone's kind words.

On Saturday I got my AF. (Bad cramps, the worst I have ever had, TMI probably, but I am questioning if that is normal.) I am not sure what that means because my doctor told me that I wouldn't get my AF. Hmmm... I still have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I guess I will still go to that...I wasn't sure if I should or not...but it would probably be good to go.

Today marks a month of the miscarriage happening... It's so sad to think that it has been a month...It certainly doesn't feel like it has been a month. I have stopped talking to my husband about everything involving the m/c because it is too difficult to talk to him...He doesn't get it.

Saturday will be a big family fun day for us...I still have to decide if I want to go to it or not... It might be a good thing to get out for a change... and my husband is not going to go with me... It's going to be hard to see my cousin very pregnant... Ever since this happened I am more aware of all the pregnant woman everywhere I go....and I always think that it could have been me...and I get really upset about it... I try to not cry in a public place, but trust me I lose it in my car.

I will let you know about my appointment tomorrow after I go. I am at a loss for words right now.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I wish my Dr. appointment was sooner... This is so hard waiting for an answer... I still feel a little pregnant which makes this all harder... I have so much flying through my head right now... All the what ifs... What if I am never able to have a baby??? What if there is something majorly wrong with me?? What if... I am scared that I will have to have that D&C... and scared that it might impact my fertility in the future... Maybe I have read too much on the internet, but I have found that they are linking too many D&C's to miscarriage... I don't know if I should believe it or not, but it scares me...

On an emotional level I am having a very difficult time, crying a lot...and my husband thinks he is being supportive...but really he is just annoying me...and I am scared that it will effect our marriage... He doesn't understand that sometimes I just need to grieve for the loss... Sometime I worry and I don't see anything wrong with that... We fight now more than ever... He keeps telling me that I am grumpy... I am depressed about this whole thing... I have never had to deal with something so difficult in my life. I just wish he would be more supportive. He works so many nights that he doesn't really have to, and I wish he would stay home and stay by my side... I wonder, do you think I am driving him to stay at work??????

I went up to what would have been the nursery in our new house, and lost it last night... I had planned everything out in there in my head...It's so hard to think about what would have been...

Friday, July 07, 2006

The dr. called me back.....not good.

I finally got my call back for the midwife... she told me that my pregnancy hormone went up a little again... and she told me "this is not a normal pregnancy. A normal pregnancy the hormone should double in two days." It has been a week since the last blood test and it has only gone up a couple...from 49 to 52... which means there is probably tissue left there. Basically since all this is going on i wouldn't be able to try again, since i wouldn't even have a cycle since the hormone neeeds to go to zero...She made me an appointment with an OB since the midwife doesn't know what to do anymore.... I go in on July 18 at 2:00pm.

I told my husband about it and he keeps telling me i need to be patient and why am i still ccrying about it.... i am having a dificult time with this... I can't stop crying.... i keep thinking about what will happen if we can't ever have kids... i don't like the thought, as i have always wanted kids... Why can't he be more suportive... i can't deal with this on my own... I wanted this so badly i kept hoping that i was pregnant again... I don't know what this doctor will do... I don't know if this means that i will have to do a D&C or what... The midwife didn't know what to tell me.

I am waiting for the Doctor's office to call me back again!!!! I had blood taken yesterday to check my pregnancy hormone level. They also told me my blood pressure was high, which they put me on meds to try to get it down... I wonder though if my blood pressure is high because every time I go into that place I have rushing emotions of my m/c coming back to me. Hopefully this will get better in time, but who knows...

I got into a fight with my husband last night... He asked me why I was so grumpy lately ..... hmmm, I wonder could it be that I am depressed about what has happened... I told him that I was depressed, and he said why??? Men, do they use their brain? I told him that I was depressed over what has happened, since I really wanted that baby so badly and it was such a blow to me to lose it....and he told me "oh, I thought you were over that by now." WTF... It hasn't even been that long... So, I guess I can't talk to my husband about it and he wouldn't let me talk to anyone else about it, so I guess I am ALONE in this... I really want to talk to my cousin who has been through this before... I have a family reunion on the 22 of this month, which my husband probably wouldn't go to, so I will try to talk to her there... I need support though this and I don't have any....

I see a lot of people (in blogland) have been through this before...and that saddens me...Plus the fact that the statistics for this happening are so high...Why do people rarely talk about then????

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Thank you Angella, Sube, Alli and Thalia for the comments on my blog. They were very helpful. I guess now I don't feel as alone... I am thankful that i found people like you for me to be able to talk about my feelings about this... It still frustrates me that I can't talk to my husband about this, because he tells me that I should be over this already.

I got a call from the dr.'s office on Monday, saying that the blood test that I had done for the pregnancy hormone went up instead of down like it was supposed to. (They are testing me every week until it goes to zero.) They said I could either a) have tissue still in there from the miscarriage -or- b) I could be pregnant again.... I am thinking it is A, but they didn't say what I needed to do if there was still tissue in there... This is my first miscarriage and was my first pregnancy... I am so sick of going in to have blood drawn for what they always say will be the last time I have to do it this round, only to have to come in again next week... When I walk in to the Dr.'s office I relive the miscarriage in my head all over again, which is very frustrating.

I question my fertility too, and maybe i shouldn't...but i question things like maybe there isn't a problem getting pregnant but maybe there is something wrong with me STAYING pregnant. There is so many horrible things floating through my head... To make matters worse to one of the girls at work, who i just told about the miscarriage told me that it wasn't really a baby anyways... that hurt... to me it was a baby... i wanted it SO badly!!!!! I had so many hopes and dreams, and they were all crushed... (Great now i am crying again...)