Trials of Heather

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Meet my new distraction... Peaches, our peach-faced Lovebird... I need something to baby right?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It isn't so happy around here right I lost my grandfather about 5 years ago around Thanksgiving, so it has always been tough... and my side of the family is really pissing me off lately. My mom is a piece of work, she hasn't called me since the miscarriage, which I told her about and then tonight she kept asking me when she will get her 1st grandchild... like I need that kind of pressure. I have enough pressure on my own thank you very much. My dad lives in another state so I don't get to see him very much, but I miss him like crazy. It has always been tough around the holidays... Holidays have been nothing but disappointment after disappointment for me. I am hoping this year something will change, but so far not so good.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post... I wasn't trying to be mean... just raw emotion sometimes slaps me in the face. I find myself awake when I should be sleeping, thinking how great it would be to finally have a child... but then a couple minutes later turning it into a negative thing in my head, thinking it wouldn't happen to me. I wish I could be more positive I am trying to be positive. I just want this child more than I have ever wanted anything EVER... I would give anything to have a child. I am still telling my husband that i want a baby for Christmas.... I am hoping for a Christmas miracle.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I'm in a little bit better of a mood. Thanks for your kind comments... Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy??? The last episode is what I think really set me off last Thursday. I felt like I was reliving my miscarriage all over.

My husband and I were talking....and if I am not pregnant by January, I am going in to see the Dr again... Maybe I need help in this area, and maybe it was a fluke that I got pregnant (and Miscarried) the last time. My husband says he wants to do everything natural though, so I am hoping that it will happen. He doesn't want to do anything that requires him to "shoot his stuff in a cup". So I am limited. I am unsure of what to do. I told my husband that the only thing I want for Christmas was a baby! I told him to NOT buy me anything. And the sad thing is: I meant it. Even though this is easier said than done, I hope it happens... I need to have hope. I'm trying to be more positive again.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I'm back... We're still trying....still NOT pregnant and just got my AF i sit here at 9:45pm on a Thursday night while my husband is in bed alone and I'm crying because it hurts so badly. I want a baby so badly... I just want one thing in my life...ONE, and i can't seem to pull that off... I don't even know how many people read this blog anymore, since i haven't posted for so long... I thought i could do this alone... i can't... i need my blog buddies. I missed everyone. I'll try to write more tomorrow, and hopefully i can be more upbeat, but for now i feel defeated and lost and alone.