Trials of Heather

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I had some more problems... i had an elevated hCG hormone levels... it was 300 a week ago and i was still spotting 4 weeks out. Now it dropped to 90 so hopefully it will keep dropping.

A friend at work just lost her first baby a week ago.. she was 7 weeks along. It was very similar to what happened to me that it brought back bad memories. She is very positive with everything. She knows what happened to me and was very helpful with me... and i think she is an inspiration to me... She is so positive that it has started to rub off on me... And I think i have found myself again though.

As soon as my hCG level goes to zero we can try again... i very much look forward to that day. I am going to be more positive with all of this stuff... i pray everything will work out and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms in a year.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I told my husband that i was read to start trying again... i am having second thoughts all of a sudden... I am starting to freak out. I am so scared that it will happen again. Maybe i am not ready yet. And then another part of me says that i had better go for it since i would like to have a baby soon. And i don't think i could be happy knowing there is a beautiful crib and rocking chair up in the nursery gathering dust. I really wish we hadn't bought all of that yet and got the nursery ready so early... we really thought that tragedy wouldn't strike twice....we were horribly wrong. I want to get past this i really do, but it is hard sometimes. I really thought that i would have had a baby in my arms by now. I have to gear up for another go around and pray that everything work out this next time.

I have started crying more...guess you could say that i had a set back. A girl at work was telling the horrible story about some women that got pregnant and bad stuff happened and kept talking to me even after i told her to stop and went back to my desk... She doesn't quit... I know she has had some m/c's before and all but you would think that she would understand that i am still grieving... this is the same women that blabbed about my m/c to everyone at work, so i can't say that her actions surprised me in any way. I read about a kid being abused and lost it at work!

I want this to be over and be pregnant again...but i am so scared. I don't know if i can handle another m/c. The 2 that i had have been hard enough. If i have another than i will really doubt my body. I already have been thinking about what is wrong with me. I wish i knew what the future held. I wish i could find out if i finally was able to have a baby in my arms. Anyone have a magic ball out there?

Thanks again for every one's comments...they really help know that i am not alone in this journey.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

OK, Sorry it took me so long to write back. I have a new game plan. I have a golf-ball sized cyst on my ovary. It is the type that shouldn't affect a pregnancy so they think it didn't cause my 2 m/c's. The Dr. is basically giving me 6 months to try to get pregnant again. If i am not pregnant in 6 month i will have to have another ultrasound to check on the cyst. The Dr. is hoping that it isn't currently growing. She doesn't want to removed it until we have a baby because it could cause scar tissue making it harder to conceive again. Given the size of my cyst it could cause problems... i guess it could grow bigger and cause the ovary to twist on itself causing intense pain and emergency surgery to remove it. I hope it doesn't come to this. I am praying that i will get pregnant soon...and when i do i have to call my Dr. to get an appointment ASAP and get a blood test to check progesterone levels to make sure it isn't too low. Also i will have a early ultrasound then too, although a lot of good that did me last time since it showed the baby was fine then. All i can say is that i am starting to feel a little bit better, but still manage to cry everyday, but usually only once instead of most of the day. I am trying to just go with the flow but it is harder some days than others. I was given the go ahead to try again anytime, but am choosing to wait a cycle just to make sure everything is where it should be. I will admit I am scared to death! I pray i don't have another miscarriage. I don't think i could handle dealing with that again.

I will try to check everyone's blogs tomorrow. I just wanted to update everyone tonight, so no one is worrying about me. And once again, thank you for your support.


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Today was a bad day.... All I did was cry today.

I found out that the girl that i talk to at work and consider my friend at work is pregnant. I was the 1st person that she told at work and all i could muster up was "cool". How lame am I? We went out to lunch today so we could talk, and she knew about my m/c. She told me she was pregnant. She isn't going to tell anyone at all until she is 3 months along after hearing the "hell" i went through. She is 6 weeks along. I feel happy for her, but at the same time very sad because it reminded me about the baby that i lost.

Then i had to go to the allergist. All of his nurses there seem to know i was the pregnant one and all came up to ask how i was doing and how the morning sickness was....I told them that we lost our baby...and then i had to talk to the dr. about it so by the time i was talking to him i started crying. I find myself wondering why the world has to be so cruel to me.

Friday i got to the OB doctor and find out about my cyst. Pray for me, i am scared that i will have to lose my ovary. I am so scared that it will affect my fertility. I just want a child of my own that I can hold in my arms and love. I used to wish for a girl. Now I just want a baby of my own to rock. A baby of my own to love and watch grow.

I wanted to say thank you for everyone's comments, they have helped me immensely.

I also want to say a special thank you to canape for leaving in my comments:

"You already are a mom. You have carried those little lives and cared for them as no one else could. Even though you never got to meet them face to face, they are still your children and you are still a mom."

That really touched me. I cry ever time i read it but you put it so beautifully.


Sunday, March 04, 2007

I have to go back to work tomorrow since my medical leave is over. I am scared since i haven't been at work for a full day yet so far. On Wednesday i was at work for most of the day since a co-worker had surgery on her elbow and wasn't there. Thursday i made it about 3 hours through the day and was balling so badly i decided i needed to work from home since the said co-worker still was gone. Friday I was at work a couple hours too until the said coworker finally decided that maybe she should come to work so i left. I have to be at work a full day now the rest of the week. It is going to be hard and I pray that most people will just leave me alone. I know my coworker will probably bug the crap out of me since she hasn't really seen me since everything happened. But i decided that i will ignore her personal emails to me since i really don't want to talk to anyone about it.

My husband's belated birthday dinner went well... His parents didn't mention it at all so all went well there. Now i am just worried about work tomorrow. There is anther girl at work, about my age, i told about what happened and she is trying to conceive too so we have become pretty good friends. It is great to have someone at work to talk to about it. We will probably go out to lunch Tuesday since i know we both have a big meeting tomorrow.

I read to my husband what i wrote about it him and started crying today. I am pretty depressed. I feel like i will have meaning to my life if i am a mom. I feel like there is a huge chunk missing from my life right now. I WANT to be a Mom so badly. I feel like i was put on this earth to be a great mom.

My mom sent me a very sweet email at work and i lost it and cried for quite a while. And although she never had a miscarriage I know she had some fertility problems. I think she knows how i feel. In the last line she wrote was " The deal little one we all lost is an angel, smiling at us, wanting us to embrace life and go on, even when it is so hard and hurts so much." That line really got to me. I want to try again, i just don't think i can go through another miscarriage. I pray that it doesn't happen again. Like my husband told me "third time is a charm". Hopefully that will hold true. I have to wait to try again until we find out more about that cyst too.. I pray that i don't have to lose an ovary.