Trials of Heather

Sunday, March 04, 2007

I have to go back to work tomorrow since my medical leave is over. I am scared since i haven't been at work for a full day yet so far. On Wednesday i was at work for most of the day since a co-worker had surgery on her elbow and wasn't there. Thursday i made it about 3 hours through the day and was balling so badly i decided i needed to work from home since the said co-worker still was gone. Friday I was at work a couple hours too until the said coworker finally decided that maybe she should come to work so i left. I have to be at work a full day now the rest of the week. It is going to be hard and I pray that most people will just leave me alone. I know my coworker will probably bug the crap out of me since she hasn't really seen me since everything happened. But i decided that i will ignore her personal emails to me since i really don't want to talk to anyone about it.

My husband's belated birthday dinner went well... His parents didn't mention it at all so all went well there. Now i am just worried about work tomorrow. There is anther girl at work, about my age, i told about what happened and she is trying to conceive too so we have become pretty good friends. It is great to have someone at work to talk to about it. We will probably go out to lunch Tuesday since i know we both have a big meeting tomorrow.

I read to my husband what i wrote about it him and started crying today. I am pretty depressed. I feel like i will have meaning to my life if i am a mom. I feel like there is a huge chunk missing from my life right now. I WANT to be a Mom so badly. I feel like i was put on this earth to be a great mom.

My mom sent me a very sweet email at work and i lost it and cried for quite a while. And although she never had a miscarriage I know she had some fertility problems. I think she knows how i feel. In the last line she wrote was " The deal little one we all lost is an angel, smiling at us, wanting us to embrace life and go on, even when it is so hard and hurts so much." That line really got to me. I want to try again, i just don't think i can go through another miscarriage. I pray that it doesn't happen again. Like my husband told me "third time is a charm". Hopefully that will hold true. I have to wait to try again until we find out more about that cyst too.. I pray that i don't have to lose an ovary.



At 7:07 PM, Blogger Anns said...

My heart breaks for you... Hang in there girl

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Taylor Grace said...

I have never had a miscarriage so I don't know how that feels, but I just want you to know that there is hope.

My sister had two miscarriages and last August she discovered she was pregnant for a third time, she is now sitting in the hospital in labor and delivary waiting for the birth of her twins. (All without any medication) Turns out her progesterone levels were low and they gave her cream when she discovered she was pregnant with her third baby.

Hope this gives you hope in your time of pain.

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Brandy said...

I have never commented on your blog before, I hope you don't mind that I am now.

I am so, so very sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended a lot like your first pregnancy - an early loss but a devastating one nonetheless. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for over 2 years when we got pregnant the first time, only to have it gone so quickly. I know the absolute crushing grief it can bring and I am sorry you are experiencing it again for the second time. I hope the 3rd time is definitely the charm for you and I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger canape said...

You already are a mom. You have carried those litle lives and cared for them as no one else could. Even though you never got to meet them face to face, they are still your children and you are still a mom.

Not the same. I know. Empty arms here too. But I cling to the fact that I am someone's mother. Someone we never met, but that we loved very much.

The fact that you can "talk" about it so freely here shows you are strong I think. We gots to keep on keepin' on.

At 10:50 PM, Blogger Jen said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I have never experienced the loss of a child and I can not imagine the depth of pain you are feeling right now, I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry. No one deserves to feel this kind of loss, no one. Many hugs.

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Emma in Canada said...

My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriages before 10 weeks, and I did go on to have 4 children. So I would most definitely say do not give up hope. Also, with my third I was told at my 18 week u/s that I had a cyst on my ovary. My ovary had to be removed during my c-section and I did end up having one more (an unexpected pleasure!)

Best of luck to you and your husband.


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