I told my husband that i was read to start trying again... i am having second thoughts all of a sudden... I am starting to freak out. I am so scared that it will happen again. Maybe i am not ready yet. And then another part of me says that i had better go for it since i would like to have a baby soon. And i don't think i could be happy knowing there is a beautiful crib and rocking chair up in the nursery gathering dust. I really wish we hadn't bought all of that yet and got the nursery ready so early... we really thought that tragedy wouldn't strike twice....we were horribly wrong. I want to get past this i really do, but it is hard sometimes. I really thought that i would have had a baby in my arms by now. I have to gear up for another go around and pray that everything work out this next time.

I have started crying more...guess you could say that i had a set back. A girl at work was telling the horrible story about some women that got pregnant and bad stuff happened and kept talking to me even after i told her to stop and went back to my desk... She doesn't quit... I know she has had some m/c's before and all but you would think that she would understand that i am still grieving... this is the same women that blabbed about my m/c to everyone at work, so i can't say that her actions surprised me in any way. I read about a kid being abused and lost it at work!

I want this to be over and be pregnant again...but i am so scared. I don't know if i can handle another m/c. The 2 that i had have been hard enough. If i have another than i will really doubt my body. I already have been thinking about what is wrong with me. I wish i knew what the future held. I wish i could find out if i finally was able to have a baby in my arms. Anyone have a magic ball out there?

Thanks again for every one's comments...they really help know that i am not alone in this journey.

OK, Sorry it took me so long to write back. I have a new game plan. I have a golf-ball sized cyst on my ovary. It is the type that shouldn't affect a pregnancy so they think it didn't cause my 2 m/c's. The Dr. is basically giving me 6 months to try to get pregnant again. If i am not pregnant in 6 month i will have to have another ultrasound to check on the cyst. The Dr. is hoping that it isn't currently growing. She doesn't want to removed it until we have a baby because it could cause scar tissue making it harder to conceive again. Given the size of my cyst it could cause problems... i guess it could grow bigger and cause the ovary to twist on itself causing intense pain and emergency surgery to remove it. I hope it doesn't come to this. I am praying that i will get pregnant soon...and when i do i have to call my Dr. to get an appointment ASAP and get a blood test to check progesterone levels to make sure it isn't too low. Also i will have a early ultrasound then too, although a lot of good that did me last time since it showed the baby was fine then. All i can say is that i am starting to feel a little bit better, but still manage to cry everyday, but usually only once instead of most of the day. I am trying to just go with the flow but it is harder some days than others. I was given the go ahead to try again anytime, but am choosing to wait a cycle just to make sure everything is where it should be. I will admit I am scared to death! I pray i don't have another miscarriage. I don't think i could handle dealing with that again.

I will try to check everyone's blogs tomorrow. I just wanted to update everyone tonight, so no one is worrying about me. And once again, thank you for your support.

Today was a bad day.... All I did was cry today.

I found out that the girl that i talk to at work and consider my friend at work is pregnant. I was the 1st person that she told at work and all i could muster up was "cool". How lame am I? We went out to lunch today so we could talk, and she knew about my m/c. She told me she was pregnant. She isn't going to tell anyone at all until she is 3 months along after hearing the "hell" i went through. She is 6 weeks along. I feel happy for her, but at the same time very sad because it reminded me about the baby that i lost.

Then i had to go to the allergist. All of his nurses there seem to know i was the pregnant one and all came up to ask how i was doing and how the morning sickness was....I told them that we lost our baby...and then i had to talk to the dr. about it so by the time i was talking to him i started crying. I find myself wondering why the world has to be so cruel to me.

Friday i got to the OB doctor and find out about my cyst. Pray for me, i am scared that i will have to lose my ovary. I am so scared that it will affect my fertility. I just want a child of my own that I can hold in my arms and love. I used to wish for a girl. Now I just want a baby of my own to rock. A baby of my own to love and watch grow.

I wanted to say thank you for everyone's comments, they have helped me immensely.

I also want to say a special thank you to canape for leaving in my comments:

"You already are a mom. You have carried those little lives and cared for them as no one else could. Even though you never got to meet them face to face, they are still your children and you are still a mom."

That really touched me. I cry ever time i read it but you put it so beautifully.

I have to go back to work tomorrow since my medical leave is over. I am scared since i haven't been at work for a full day yet so far. On Wednesday i was at work for most of the day since a co-worker had surgery on her elbow and wasn't there. Thursday i made it about 3 hours through the day and was balling so badly i decided i needed to work from home since the said co-worker still was gone. Friday I was at work a couple hours too until the said coworker finally decided that maybe she should come to work so i left. I have to be at work a full day now the rest of the week. It is going to be hard and I pray that most people will just leave me alone. I know my coworker will probably bug the crap out of me since she hasn't really seen me since everything happened. But i decided that i will ignore her personal emails to me since i really don't want to talk to anyone about it.

My husband's belated birthday dinner went well... His parents didn't mention it at all so all went well there. Now i am just worried about work tomorrow. There is anther girl at work, about my age, i told about what happened and she is trying to conceive too so we have become pretty good friends. It is great to have someone at work to talk to about it. We will probably go out to lunch Tuesday since i know we both have a big meeting tomorrow.

I read to my husband what i wrote about it him and started crying today. I am pretty depressed. I feel like i will have meaning to my life if i am a mom. I feel like there is a huge chunk missing from my life right now. I WANT to be a Mom so badly. I feel like i was put on this earth to be a great mom.

My mom sent me a very sweet email at work and i lost it and cried for quite a while. And although she never had a miscarriage I know she had some fertility problems. I think she knows how i feel. In the last line she wrote was " The deal little one we all lost is an angel, smiling at us, wanting us to embrace life and go on, even when it is so hard and hurts so much." That line really got to me. I want to try again, i just don't think i can go through another miscarriage. I pray that it doesn't happen again. Like my husband told me "third time is a charm". Hopefully that will hold true. I have to wait to try again until we find out more about that cyst too.. I pray that i don't have to lose an ovary.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is going to be hard for a little bit. I tried going back to work today. Apparently a lot of people found out that we lost our baby. So many people were coming up to me wanting to know what happened. It was bad. I finally decided that i couldn't deal with it anymore and started telling people that it was too hard to talk about right now. And said thanks for the support. I am going to take tomorrow and Friday off. I can't go to work and deal with this anymore. Work is already stressful without me sitting there wondering when someone is going to ask me about the miscarriage. I know they are worried about me, but i can't do it. I start crying when they mention it.

My husband and I have decided that we want to try one more time to have baby. But i think my dr. appt next Friday will decide somethings. I have to ask more questions about that cyst on my ovary. I hope that if we get that taken care of that it will end our problems. Maybe i am hoping for a miracle, but it would be nice to have something good happen for a chance to us.

I will say this: This miscarriage has brought my husband and I closer to each other. And I love him more than i did before. I am falling in love with him all over again. That sounds so weird to me, but it is true. He is so supportive and loving. When i am/was balling my eyes out he is gives me the biggest hugs and tells me it will be ok. I am lucky to have such a great husband. I know he is in pain too with this, but he always is so supportive with me.

This Sunday we are supposed to go over to my in laws and I don't think I want to go. They are throwing him a belated Birthday dinner for him. They are nice people and all, i just hope that they will leave our m/c alone. I know they are sad too, but i can't talk about it. I only feel comfortable talking to my husband, my mom and my blogger friends. It is too hard to talk to his parents. I really don't want to start crying in front of them. I find it easier typing it out then actually saying it anyways.

I went up to the nursery and started balling last night. I know i probably shouldn't have gone up there, but I keep thinking about how perfect it would have been. We already had it all painted and the crib assembled. It was hard to see an empty crib that wouldn't be full anytime soon. I think that is when we decided that we wanted to try one more time. It would be a shame to leave that room empty. For now I closed the door to that room and will stay out of there for now. I pray that someday we will have a beautiful baby in that crib.

A lot has changed in a month! We just found out last Thursday that we lost our baby. I went into the doctor with some bleeding, which they told me was probably nothing, to find out through an ultrasound that our baby didn't make it past 8 1/2 weeks. This totally is so hard to deal with especially since it is the 2nd miscarriage for us. We had a D&C on Friday and went home and both my husband and we laid on the bed and cried for the rest of the day. My hubby has been supper supportive this time around. This sucks, i don't understand why this happened to us again. I have never seen my hubby cry before. He told me that he can't go through this again. I don't think i have it in me to go through it again either. It is too hard.

I also found out that i have a cyst on my ovary, which they think they need to remove. This freaks me out too, since i worry about us trying one more time without my ovary. I don't know what they are going to say more about it. I go to my appt in 2 weeks for recheck after the surgery and will ask more then. I wonder if the cyst contributed in our miscarriage? Anyone know? I have been praying like crazy this go around and have started to lose some faith. I think it has to do with be very depressed.

My doctor gave me a week off of work but i am scared that i will lose my job if i take it. So i am going to try to go back in tomorrow. I hope everyone at work leaves me alone and then it shouldn't be too bad.