I am now 35 weeks pregnant. There is my big round baby belly. Not very cute i know. ;) I am starting to feel more comfortable about this whole pregnancy thing, and now it is almost over. I had some bumps in the way however, but we are very excited to think about the fact that our little one will be here in 5 weeks. It is crazy! I never thought I would make it this far.

Sorry to everyone for not writing for a bit, it has just been too crazy lately around here. I had 2 baby showers already, and got a ton of clothes. We have the nursery almost set up totally. I washed and dried all the clothes and sheets and blanket for the baby. All we are waiting for is the baby now.

I am starting to freak out a little thinking about how we didn't have any testing done on this baby. There was the risk of miscarriage for the amnio. I didn't want to have m/c #3. Hopefully this baby is born healthy.

On Saturday i will be 20 weeks pregnant. At my ultrasound last Tuesday they told me everything was fine with my baby. Which is so awesome. I am scared everyday though that something bad will happen. I still can't believe i have made it this far. It is scary and exciting all in one. I am half way there. I still haven't felt my baby kick and am not sure why. I keep reading how all these women feel the baby kick at 16-18 weeks and i still haven't felt anything. I do have a nice round of round ligament pain though. And that sucks so far.

My parents are super excited along with my hubby's parents but i am guarding myself. I am scared that something will happen so i take a step back. I will hopefully get more and more excited as this goes on but it is still a little scary to me to get attached with this baby. I have already had 2 miscarriages and am scare that i will lose this one too.

I haven't been on here in ages. I needed to get away for a while. So much has happened. I needed emergency surgery in July because i hemorrhaged from my HCG levels being so high and still had a piece left from the M/C. That was very scary and i was told that i might not be able to have a kid ever because of scar tissue. We decided that I needed a new Dr, so we switched. I am happy to say that i am 13 weeks pregnant and hoping that everything will stay going the right way! I SOOOOOO hope that i get a baby out of this FINALLY! I have started to gain weight which is freaking me out. And now my clothes don't really fit. I might have to get some maternity clothes! That is too scary for me. If all goes well my Due date is May 31, 2008.

Well my hormone levels are still not zero. This is ridiculous....

I had a blood test today and haven't found out the results yet. I guess i will have to wait until tomorrow. It was my birthday yesterday and all i could think about was how much i miss not being pregnant. I should have had a baby by now. I am going on a diet to lose some weight since this whole pregnant and then m/c cycle has caused some weight gain and I really am not liking it. Don't get me wrong i would love to be pregnant again, but while we wait and try i will be trying to cut some weight. I heard that this could help me in the getting pregnant part too and i am willing to try anything at this point.

Sorry that i haven't been on here in forever. I guess i needed a break and it was less painful maybe not to write here, i don't know. I can't stand the Mother's Day commericals that are on TV lately. I have to flip though them. I start crying otherwise uncontrollably. I want a baby so badly. I hope i get great results tomorrow. I want to get on with my life and try again.

I had some more problems... i had an elevated hCG hormone levels... it was 300 a week ago and i was still spotting 4 weeks out. Now it dropped to 90 so hopefully it will keep dropping.

A friend at work just lost her first baby a week ago.. she was 7 weeks along. It was very similar to what happened to me that it brought back bad memories. She is very positive with everything. She knows what happened to me and was very helpful with me... and i think she is an inspiration to me... She is so positive that it has started to rub off on me... And I think i have found myself again though.

As soon as my hCG level goes to zero we can try again... i very much look forward to that day. I am going to be more positive with all of this stuff... i pray everything will work out and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms in a year.

I told my husband that i was read to start trying again... i am having second thoughts all of a sudden... I am starting to freak out. I am so scared that it will happen again. Maybe i am not ready yet. And then another part of me says that i had better go for it since i would like to have a baby soon. And i don't think i could be happy knowing there is a beautiful crib and rocking chair up in the nursery gathering dust. I really wish we hadn't bought all of that yet and got the nursery ready so early... we really thought that tragedy wouldn't strike twice....we were horribly wrong. I want to get past this i really do, but it is hard sometimes. I really thought that i would have had a baby in my arms by now. I have to gear up for another go around and pray that everything work out this next time.

I have started crying more...guess you could say that i had a set back. A girl at work was telling the horrible story about some women that got pregnant and bad stuff happened and kept talking to me even after i told her to stop and went back to my desk... She doesn't quit... I know she has had some m/c's before and all but you would think that she would understand that i am still grieving... this is the same women that blabbed about my m/c to everyone at work, so i can't say that her actions surprised me in any way. I read about a kid being abused and lost it at work!

I want this to be over and be pregnant again...but i am so scared. I don't know if i can handle another m/c. The 2 that i had have been hard enough. If i have another than i will really doubt my body. I already have been thinking about what is wrong with me. I wish i knew what the future held. I wish i could find out if i finally was able to have a baby in my arms. Anyone have a magic ball out there?

Thanks again for every one's comments...they really help know that i am not alone in this journey.

OK, Sorry it took me so long to write back. I have a new game plan. I have a golf-ball sized cyst on my ovary. It is the type that shouldn't affect a pregnancy so they think it didn't cause my 2 m/c's. The Dr. is basically giving me 6 months to try to get pregnant again. If i am not pregnant in 6 month i will have to have another ultrasound to check on the cyst. The Dr. is hoping that it isn't currently growing. She doesn't want to removed it until we have a baby because it could cause scar tissue making it harder to conceive again. Given the size of my cyst it could cause problems... i guess it could grow bigger and cause the ovary to twist on itself causing intense pain and emergency surgery to remove it. I hope it doesn't come to this. I am praying that i will get pregnant soon...and when i do i have to call my Dr. to get an appointment ASAP and get a blood test to check progesterone levels to make sure it isn't too low. Also i will have a early ultrasound then too, although a lot of good that did me last time since it showed the baby was fine then. All i can say is that i am starting to feel a little bit better, but still manage to cry everyday, but usually only once instead of most of the day. I am trying to just go with the flow but it is harder some days than others. I was given the go ahead to try again anytime, but am choosing to wait a cycle just to make sure everything is where it should be. I will admit I am scared to death! I pray i don't have another miscarriage. I don't think i could handle dealing with that again.

I will try to check everyone's blogs tomorrow. I just wanted to update everyone tonight, so no one is worrying about me. And once again, thank you for your support.